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Spadina Literary Review  —  edition 8 page 11

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dog watching tv

The Six Stages of Unemployment

by Callum Wratten

Like any traumatic event unemployment comes with its own stages of acceptance. The six stages outlined here are perfectly natural and we must allow ourselves to experience them all, as much as those around us wish we wouldn't.

stage 1: Anger.

You can't believe they fired you. You are the greatest thing that ever happened at this company! And they kept Karen. Karen! She has like 3 yogurt-covered spoons on her desk at all times.

stage 2: Drunkenly re-watching all of Lost.

Jack Shephard will never tell you that your role in the company has become obsolete.

stage 3: Resumé re-formatting.

Maybe you will get an interview if you change from Arial 13.5 to Arial 13.7.

stage 4: Eating rice for every meal.

Steal hot sauce packets from Taco Bell to add some flavour.

stage 5: Annoying your roommates.

Desperate for human contact, every-time one of your roommates comes home you bound towards the door like a neglected golden retriever.

stage 6: Working as a barista.